Sex will get you dinner and a movie, holding out will get you cars and jewels and houses.

Madea

I don’t talk trash; I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical like ‘Your Mama’s so fat she could eat the internet’ but smack talk is happening like right now, like you’re ugly and I know it for a fact cause I got the evidence right there.

Kelly Kapoor

To paraphrase Charlotte York: I’ve been dating since I was 15, my hair is tired, WHERE IS HE?!

Ladies and gentlemen, there is something worse then pleated front khaki pants… CUFFED pleated front khaki pants.

All of my boyfriends are imaginary, it’s soooooo annoying.

B (via ambershelley)

It’s whiskey, it can’t go bad!

I found this antidote to bullshit and it’s called Bob Dylan

Amen

It’s Bill Murray and you’re old, that should be enough.

Convincing Uncle Mike to watch Rushmore