I was there when my grandfather died. Not in the room there, but had been at the hospital that day. Went to the hospital to pick my grandmother up, sat in the room with his body. Watched my father pull it all together, funeral home, travel arrangements, his mother. I helped plan the funeral, the food and drink for 150, hotels, the making 8 dozen cupcakes just to keep the kids busy (cathartic baking?) That felt old. But there was scotch, and whiskey and the camraderie of a large group of family and friends. And a life to be celebrated.

Monday I really felt my age; grown up, doing something no one wanted to do, with no upside or silver lining (he’s no longer suffering, she’s in a better place ) or most importantly free flowing booze. We (my Mom, her older brother Steve and I) moved my (would it be too cheesy to say “beloved” or not even enough?) dear Grandmother Jane into assisted living. 

I shouldn’t really say “moved” as we had to trick her to get her there. She never would have agreed to go or even have discussed it, her advancing Alzheimer’s makes such conversations impossible. We told her was going to a new Doctor to have her kidneys looked at. She asked “where are we going again” at least 10 times on the way there. 

I wasn’t really sure what would happen or how my Mother and Steve would hold up,  She  started mean and manipulative. “Karen, I am so disappointed in you!” “Steve, I never thought you would be the one to do this” and, the killer,  ”Not you too, Branie”.

Once that didn’t work she tried melodramatically threatening to run away or kill herself. The nurse suggested that running away might not be the best idea, being in the mountains and all. A light bulb went off in her head; “I’ll just go into the mountains to be eaten by wild animals. I’ll be EATEN by WILD ANIMALS!”

I looked to my mother hoping for reassurance, but expecting tears. However, her eyes, though teary, were also laughing. As soon as we locked eyes I was laughing too, silent and shaking, tears streaming down my face. It was just too funny! And everything that we needed. Throughout the rest of the visit (drop off? ding dong ditch?) she spouted one liner after one liner:

When asked if she wanted anything “a glass of water with a little arsenic”

“Does Godfrey know? Godfrey’ll gitcha!”

“If you wanted my money why didn’t you just kill me?”

And thus, the most grown up day of my life also became one of the funniest.

En route to Loving Arms Assisted Living