What kind of weird alternate universe do we live in where a blonde with cleavage can’t get a drink?!

I’m considering the fact that you want to watch “Never Been Kissed” a cry for help.

Just because you’re naked doesn’t mean you’re sexy. Just because you’re cynical doesn’t mean you’re cool.

Tom Robbins (via dailystendhalnitesaudade)

Brannon, this is your Dad*, I’m looking at the cheese situation and we’re going to need baguettes, lots of them!

* my Dad, who somehow thinks there is someone else named “Dad” in my phone and he needs to identify himself…

Being any kind of happy is better than being miserable over someone you can’t have.

Life lessons via “Breaking Dawn”

It would be easier if the way he was sometimes was the way he was ALL THE TIME.

every girl. ever.

I don’t talk trash; I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical like ‘Your Mama’s so fat she could eat the internet’ but smack talk is happening like right now, like you’re ugly and I know it for a fact cause I got the evidence right there.

Kelly Kapoor (via brannonollivier)

Oh my god my hair looks awesome! We should take it somewhere!